The War Zone

I saw you last night. You were walking with Alei and you were wearing your Verizon jacket. You were smiling. You looked nice.

I had a blast in Puerto Galera the other night, just like you wished. I met some new people… partied all night… got a little wild. No fucking though.

Don’t get me wrong. I wanted to. But alcohol couldn’t quite take over my resolve against casual sex. I swore off casual sex a while ago. Bet you didn’t know that. You think I’d fuck anything with two legs that could walk. Truth is I’m done with that life. I don’t wanna be that guy anymore.

Given that, it’s kinda absurd that you think all I wanted from you was sex. I know Inan planted that idea in your head. He likes to think that he knows me. He doesn’t. He doesn’t have a clue what I’m all about. Nobody does, really. It’s funny that he thinks he and I are alike. He’s nothing like me. We’re not even in the same league.

Some little birdie also told me that you said that out loud… I mean me wanting only sex from you. That’s sad. I wouldn’t deny that I wanted to fuck your brains out. Can’t help that. I really, really liked you. But if it was all I wanted, I would’ve fucked you when I had the chance the first time we got together and then claim later on that I was just drunk. Instead, I settled for a “relationship”.

I was so excited about getting together with you, too. I mean, it’s really been a long time since I was in a relationship. I was ecstatic about being “the boyfriend” again. I failed miserably, of course. I guess I wasn’t really the boyfriend material, after all. Then again, you weren’t either.

The weekend after we got together, you remember that? You were the one who told me you’d spend it with me. I got everything in my house ready for you. I washed all the dishes in the sink. I tidied the place up. I bought groceries and cooked food for you. I even cleaned up the goddamn bathroom.

I texted you to ask you what time you were coming over. When you didn’t text me back, I tried calling you. You didn’t answer. Three hours later, you texted back saying you couldn’t make it because you need to accompany your mom for a check up, which you could’ve told me the day before so I wouldn’t have made a big fuss about you coming over when you really weren’t.

You said you’d come over the next day instead. Truth is, I was already really pissed at the time. You cancelled on me on our very first real date. How do you suppose I should feel? So, I told you to forget it. I got work.

Louie told me that it was too early to start a fight. So, I just let it go. Well, I tried. And I was doing so good at it… at least until I realized it was eating me up inside… silently.

For the next few days, I tried to invite you to hang out after work. I even waited for you a couple of times. But after getting only excuses from you a couple of times, I figured this wasn’t really getting anywhere. That’s why I didn’t ask you to hang out the next weekend. I figured you’d just try to find another excuse to squeeze yourself out of it.

Truth is I was looking for an excuse to start a fight. And you gave me a damn good one. So, I showed you my other side. The jerk. The confrontational, no-holds-barred, foul-mouthed asshole. What can I say? In less than two weeks that we were together, you brought out the best and the worst in me.

So, I did what needed to be done. I ended it. What hurt me the most, though, is that you let me end it that easily. You didn’t even fight to stay with me. You just accepted it. This from a guy who says he loved me.

It was funny how you always profess that you loved me. You told our colleagues at the office that you did. You texted me that you did. Truth is I never really believed you. I didn’t believe you because you never said it to my face… while looking me in the eye. You never really look me in the eye when we talk. It makes me think that you were always hiding something from me.

Did you ever notice that I never said it back? I always told you that I cared about you, but I’d never said I loved you. Because the truth is, I wasn’t there yet. I have feelings for you, that’s for sure. Is it love? Not yet. You never really gave me the chance to fall for you. So, I got stuck in infatuation and frustration.

More emphasis on frustration because you totally defied my definition of what a boyfriend should be. I told Louie I should have said this when I was breaking up with you: “If I wanted a girlfriend, I’d get myself one.” But that was just mean, I know.

Then again, if anything that Francine and Drew were saying was true, that would be worse than anything I could say to you. Truth is I don’t believe them. They were drawing a picture of you that I couldn’t recognize… like it’s a totally different person that they were talking about. Then again, I don’t really know you that well, do I? We never got there, either.

But for the sake of my sanity, I really can’t believe them. I mean, it’s unfathomable for me why you would want a puff-eyed fish fry when you could have me anytime you want. I know I’m not as hot as I used to be, but I still am way, way better on my worst day than that guy.

What I could believe, though, is you denying that we were together. And you said so yourself. You denied it when someone who lives near you asked you about us. That stung like a motherfucker. It could be worse, though. You could’ve denied us in order to get laid, which is one of the things that Drew was claiming.

Well, it’s just a sad, sad situation, really. I wanted you. And I told you that if you wanted me, too, I’m yours. You said you did. Apparently, you didn’t. Or, at least, not enough.

It’s done, then. It’s really over. And I’m moving on. No use waiting for you.

Maybe someday you’re gonna look back and regret that you didn’t fight for me harder. Then again, maybe not. Maybe someday you’re gonna feel comfortable enough in your own skin and be free from all the fears and insecurities that you have now. Maybe someday you’ll finally find the courage to be with me. But I can’t wait for you anymore. I can’t wait for you to grow a set of balls. I can’t wait for you to finally be honest with me and to yourself. I can’t wait for you to be in the same place as I am now.

And I most certainly will not go back to the place you’re in now. It’s suffocating in there.

Word of advice, though… Don’t get a boyfriend yet. At least not until you get your shit together.

As for me, I probably won’t be jumping into any relationships for a while. My first boyfriend scarred me for life. And the last one reminded me why I don’t do boyfriends.

Maybe I should just go back to casual sex after all. Hahaha!

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It’s your birthday today. Happy Birthday. c”,)

This entry was posted on Monday, March 16th, 2009 at 8:55 am and is filed under Current Affairs. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.